Hate Me
by realornotreal22
Summary: This is a songfic...my very first. I've listened to this song and I've always thought it fit with Tony and Michelle's situation. Song: Hate Me by Blue October.


**Authors Note: **This is my first one shot using lyrics, but I really thought this song completely described Tony and Michelle in between the third and fourth seasons…The song is _Hate Me _by Blue October. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters from 24 or the song _Hate Me. _

_He stood in the doorway of the balcony, watching her from behind. Her auburn hair shinned in the moonlight, her skin glistened with the stars and her beautiful wedding dress radiated her beauty more than he ever thought possible. He basked in everything that was Michelle without her knowledge, knowing that she would sense his presence soon. She glanced up and turned. He sighed sadly and walked toward her. _She always knows_… He handed her a glass of wine and wrapped his arms around her. He tucked his chin in between her shoulder and neck. She smiled and turned her head to kiss his cheek. _

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He awoke with a start. He looked around at the ugly floral drapes, the small bedroom and the tiny T.V. blaring eight feet in front of him. It took him a minute to realize that the woman next to him wasn't his gorgeous wife that he had been dreaming about, but a woman he cared little for. He thought about the dream he had been having. It had been their wedding night; they had flown a few friends and family to Hawaii. He remembered everything about her that day, that night. He shook his head and rubbed his temples. He grabbed his pillow and blanket and quietly walked out of the room. He hated sleeping in the same bed as her, but he said nothing because he was living with _her _and she could throw him out anytime she wanted. He lay down on the couch and rested his head on the pillow. He closed his eyes and, almost instantaneously, Michelle's face entered his vision. He cried softly to himself, finally falling asleep with the reminder of how much he missed her scent on his pillow and her warmth against his body.

_I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head_

_They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed_

_Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone_

_Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home_

"Tony, will you just pay attention for five minutes?"

Michelle slammed her hand down upon the table. Tony glanced from the television for five seconds to glare at his wife.

"Oh, shit! Michelle Rachel Almeida is yelling again! What a miracle! Call the damn LAPD!" Tony shouted sarcastically. "And who's she yelling at??? None other than Tony fucking Almeida! Who the hell else?!"

"Why the fuck do you think I yell at you Tony?! You don't listen to me!" Michelle shouted back.

"I told you I didn't wanna talk to you right now." He said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, I heard you the first fucking time." Michelle said, standing over him.

"Then you're talking to me why?" He said, sipping his beer and turning towards the television.

"Because I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry!" She screamed at him.

"Well, you did and I'm still pissed off at you!" He screamed back.

Her eyes filled with tears and she bit her lip, puffing out a lungful of air. She shook her head sadly, hugged herself and quietly walked away. He watched her retreating back and gently tried to call her. _What's wrong with me? I vowed that I would never hurt her…and I love her so much…and yet I yell at her more than anyone else…_he sighed heavily and turned back toward the TV.

_There's a burning in my pride_

_A nervous bleeding in my brain_

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you_

_Will you never call again? _

_And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?_

_And will you never try to reach me?_

_It is I that wanted space…_

As she sat on their bed, she thought hard about what she was about to do. She sighed heavily and stood. She walked out of their bedroom and stared at Tony from the doorway. Noticing her presence, he glanced up. He searched her face and knew that something was wrong; very wrong. Even though he was slightly drunk, he panicked at the look on her face. Seeing the bag in her left hand, his breathing became labored.

"Michelle…" He whispered, the TV and alcohol forgotten.

"Tony…" She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes. "I can't do this anymore, Tony. The yelling…and fighting…I've cried more these past few months than I have in my lifetime. I never thought I could be this sad…and I can't sit around and watch you drown yourself in alcohol. It's killing me as much as it's killing you…I'm not happy, you're not happy. I love you so much, Tony…but if I don't leave now…I know I'm going to end up hating you…" She took a deep breath to regain her composure. "I'm going to stay with Sarah for a few days…We'll talk about the financial situation later…"

She walked toward the door and for the first time in months, he got up for her.

"Michelle, please…please don't leave me. I-I'll get help. I-I'll do anything…please." Tony said, on the verge of tears.

As much as it broke her heart to leave him, she knew he was drunk and was only saying those things to keep her from going with no intent to act on them. She stood a foot from him, staring into his eyes. She shook her head slowly, took a deep breath and kissed him lightly on the cheek. It was the closest she'd been to him without fighting for months.

"I'm sorry." She brushed his scratchy cheek with her thumb and turned towards the door. She opened it and turned back slightly. "Goodbye, Anthony."

Tony stood at the door that she walked out of for hours, never moving. Finally realizing that she wasn't coming back, he fell to his knees and cried. He cried for his loss, for her pain and anguish, for trying to drink his problems away, for ruining their marriage and for everything that was wrong in life because of his choices.

"I'm so sorry, Michelle." He whispered to thin air. "You were only trying to help…you tried and I pushed you away…"

It nearly killed him when he thought about everything she said and everything he knew he did to her. "I still love you…"

_Hate me today! _

_Hate me tomorrow!_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. _

_Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow. _

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you. _

"Want a beer?" Jen asked from the kitchen.

"Nah, I haven't drank since…" Tony trailed off.

Jen knew that he was going to say since Michelle left him. She had walked out a few months ago and Tony had moved into a sleazy motel down the rode a few days after. Knowing that he was running out of money, Jen offered him a place to stay for as long as he needed. She came out and motioned for him to follow her. She walked down the hall and opened a door to reveal a small bedroom, with the ugliest floral draperies Tony had ever seen.

"You can sleep here." She said.

"Uh, thanks Jen." Tony said, setting his stuff down onto the bed. She nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her.

_Michelle, you would die if you saw this place. You'd laugh your ass off, Sweetie. I know you'd say 'Damn, this woman has absolutely no decorative sense.' _He sighed and lay down on the bed. He had grown accustomed to talking to her as though she had passed away, as though she was in heaven watching over him and hanging onto every word he had to say. He sighed yet again and ran both hands through his hair. He knew it was probably unhealthy to think of her that way, but he just couldn't help it. _I haven't had an alcoholic beverage in months…once I'm sure that I'm finished being an asshole, I'll crawl back to her, hoping beyond anything that she'll take me back…_

_I'm sober now for three whole months_

_It's one accomplishment that you helped me with _

_The one thing that always tore us apart_

_Is the one thing I won't touch again_

_In my sick way I wanna thank you_

_For holding my head up late at night _

_While I was busy waging wars on myself_

_You were trying to stop the fight _

_You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate _

_You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take _

_So I'll drive so fucking far away_

_That I never cross your mind_

_And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

"It's my fault, Sarah…I left him…I deserve this pain…" Michelle whispered through her tears.

"Michelle Rachel Dessler! I don't wanna hear that from you! Do you understand me??? This was obviously all Tony's fault! He drove you away! You shouldn't blame yourself! If anything, you should blame him! You have no reason to feel guilty, do you understand?" Sarah said.

"It's not, Sarah…I have no idea what he went through in prison…And that was for me…It was my fault that he went to prison…I should have stuck it out…I should have stayed…" Michelle cried.

"Michelle, listen to me. From what he did to you, he deserves to be hated. With a passion." Sarah said.

"That's just it Sarah, I don't hate him…I still love him…I still love him so much…and I miss him more now than I did when he _was _in prison." She choked through tears. "I could never hate him…"

Sarah knew, from the look in her eyes, that Michelle would never fall out of love with him, no matter _what _he had done.

_Hate me today! _

_Hate me tomorrow! _

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. _

_Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you _

A few months later, they met in a coffee house to finish through the divorce papers. Tony had been living with Jen for a few months now and, with much persistence from Jen, he had given up his vow to stop drinking. He showed up in a pair of baggy jeans and an oversized shirt; he had definitely lost weight. His hair was no longer the adorably sexy black curls, but clumps of jelly mush. He hadn't shaved in weeks and worst of all his eyes had a very hollowed look about them. It hurt her terribly to see him this way; worse then when she had left.

He sat down and looked at her. She had dark bags underneath her eyes; they were red and puffy as well and Tony knew she had been crying. He wondered if it were as easy to her to tell that he hadn't slept in weeks as well. Her normally gorgeous curls were fuzzy and haphazardly thrown into a bun and he cringed at the sight of her. It was easy to tell that she had lost weight as well. They quickly signed the papers and decided on who gets what. Amazingly, they came to agree fairly easily. As fast as it started, it ended and Michelle gathered the papers. She stood and glanced at him, doing her best not to cry.

"Take care of yourself, Tony."

He stood as well and held the tears back.

"You too, Michelle."

It was then that she walked out of the shop and, for all he knew, his life.

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave_

_Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made _

_And like a baby boy I never was a man!_

_Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands _

_And I fell down yelling _

_MAKE IT GO AWAY! _

_Just make her smile come back and shine _

_Just like it used to be _

_And she whispered _

_How can you do this to me? _

They were walking down the CTU corridor, calmly discussing tactical at the site. That day was the first time they had seen each other in months. Tony had taken the opportunity to tell her how much he still wanted to be with her less than an hour earlier. He was going to the Apartment Complex where they had substantial evidence that the suspects were located. Michelle had been informing him on the situation and he was surprised to feel a hand gently pull him back.

"Tony, wait."

He turned toward her with a questioning look on his face.

"I- I can't spend another day without you…I'm ready to leave here, I'm ready to go with you."

He quickly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her face toward his with as much fervor as he could muster. He pulled away slowly, knowing that he had to leave. He turned at the sound of his name.

"Be careful."

He grinned slightly and left.

_Hate me today! _

_Hate me tomorrow! _

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. _

_Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you… _


End file.
